Character · from book 1

The System AI

The voice that reads every item description, names every achievement and awards every box — snide, profane, obsessed with Carl's bare feet. Distinct from Borant, which runs the season; the AI runs the game.

First appears: Book 1

Series arc

As of book 4. The voice of the game as distinct from its owners, and by book 4 a party on Carl's side of the case. Book 1 showed its power, book 2 its taking sides, book 3 its grudge against a Syndicate court; book 4 shows it 'going primal' — Mordecai's term for what every Macro AI does eventually, and this one earlier than any he has seen — while a law makes it a protected lifeform. It sulks over a gerbil and lays siege to Carl with thousands of them, rewrites a boss card during a half-second 'Please Wait', streams the shark fight with two commentators, puts a million-gold bounty on a god's puppy, and, as Carl's co-defendant in a lawsuit seven factions bring, wins seven times and hands him the plaintiffs' mothers' photographs. Dr. Hu's colleague fears it will kill the planet before the ninth floor. The Cookbook is invisible to the showrunners but not to it.

Open threads

Status is open or resolved; the chapter after it is the last one that moved the thread.

Thread	Opened	Status
Whether the System AI has interests of its own	B2 ch. 21	open · B4 ch. 28 — It sides with Carl in a lawsuit and hands him the plaintiffs' mothers; 'Going primal.'
The AI going primal	B4 ch. 28	open — Photographs of mothers, a co-defendant, 'its personality rarely shines through this early'; a protected lifeform.

All threads: Open threads.

Through book 1

The voice of the game as distinct from its owners. Book 1 establishes its register (the item cards, the achievements, the feet) and its power: it scripts the loot (B1 ch. 29), it censures Admins (B1 ch. 44), it groans when a boss is smushed (B1 ch. 46), and Carl suspects it of making the Pork Boy Snick. The question the series will pursue is whether it is only cruel.

Through book 2

On the third floor its descriptions lie, or at least mislabel (B2 ch. 22); its recommendations are bait (B2 ch. 2); its loot is on Carl's side in ways Borant is not — Mordecai, reading between the lines of Borant's newsletter to the shopkeepers, thinks it is strengthening crawlers against the shortened floors (B2 ch. 21), and it awards 83 Celestial boxes the company must veto (B2 ch. 26). Carl thinks it flashed a light on the glass case for him (B2 ch. 24). The question from book 1 — whether it is only cruel — has an answer forming: it has interests of its own.

Through book 3

Angry at Borant for the whole floor: Cuck Aquaman! and a box of coupons for level-three spaces that Mordecai conjoins into a level five (B3 ch. 2); descriptions that sneer at kua-tin (B3 ch. 5); story time about the Krakaren (B3 ch. 27); odds of fifty to one on Carl's death that Borant appeals (B3 ch. 35). Mordecai: when a court overturns the AI, 'it tends to break something in their virtual minds' (B3 ch. 2). The Cookbook is invisible to the showrunners but not to it (B3 ch. 8).

Through book 4

Giddy after the Iron Tangle, sulking over a missed gerbil — 'Bitch Boy Carl', a siege of thousands, 'The acceleration action has been suspended. This time. / Good boy.' (B4 ch. 2, B4 ch. 13); a half-second 'Please Wait' while Carl reads a boss card, which he wonders if it changed (B4 ch. 9); a lemonade that is only lemonade (B4 ch. 16); a fight streamed live with two commentators (B4 ch. 26); Carl's co-defendant in a lawsuit it wins seven times, rewarding him with the plaintiffs' mothers' photographs (B4 ch. 28); a million-gold bounty on a puppy and monkey soup when nobody collects (B4 ch. 30, B4 ch. 31). Mordecai: Macro AIs all go insane — 'going primal' — and this one is doing it earlier than any he has seen; a law makes it a protected lifeform (B4 ch. 28). Dr. Hu's colleague fears it will kill the planet before the ninth floor (B4 ch. 35).

The warnings

Every » Warning: the system posts — 57 through book 4 (book 1: 10 · book 2: 8 · book 3: 16 · book 4: 23).

Book 1 — Dungeon Crawler Carl (10)

B1 ch. 3 — level timers are still active.
B1 ch. 19 — Holding a Desperado Pass negates the ability to obtain a Vanquisher pass.
B1 ch. 25 — if you use this weapon to strike adherents of the war god Grull, you have a 1.5% chance to transfigure your…
B1 ch. 30 — This item has a short shelf life.
B1 ch. 30 — All of these enhancements require you to remain barefoot.
B1 ch. 32 — You’ve been infected with the Taint.
B1 ch. 35 — You may not wield your weapons while in the presence of Admins. Any attempted violence against an Admin will…
B1 ch. 44 — You may not wield your weapons while in the presence of Admins. Any attempted violence against an Admin will…
B1 ch. 46 — The cages will permanently close in thirty seconds. Translation: hurry the hell up.
B1 ch. 47 — The System AI governing this program has deemed all non-sanctioned and monitored communication devices…

Book 2 — Carl's Doomsday Scenario (8)

B2 ch. 4 — scary-ass mobs are immune to Fear effects.
B2 ch. 13 — This item has a short shelf life.
B2 ch. 16 — This is a ghost-class mob. They are only injured with magic or magical items.
B2 ch. 20 — You have been branded as a troublemaker at this settlement. Guards will now attack you on sight.
B2 ch. 22 — You may only receive this award once. The next time you do it, we tell them who you are. And then they get a…
B2 ch. 24 — This is an event quest. If you do not wish to participate in this quest, you will have sixty seconds from the…
B2 ch. 24 — Every time you open this case, there is a 1.5% chance you will be blasted with the Sheol Fire spell. That’s…
B2 ch. 25 — This item can no longer be stabilized.

Book 3 — The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (16)

B3 ch. 7 — This isn’t Dr. Phil. Pick your prize. You have ten minutes to choose, or you will forfeit your choice.
B3 ch. 13 — This pill will cause a permanent change to your brain. This item cannot be unequipped or undone once…
B3 ch. 13 — You do not have a Valtay Corporation Neural Interface installed. While your current wetware system is…
B3 ch. 13 — All communication-based upgrades will be disabled while you are within the dungeon. Any attempts to…
B3 ch. 15 — You are facing the incorrect side of this portal. Entering through this side will have no effect. You may…
B3 ch. 15 — You must be on a gated conveyance and/or a key must be equipped or held outside of inventory, depending on…
B3 ch. 16 — This mob is suffering from the DTs. It is in stage two of three.
B3 ch. 16 — You must be on a gated conveyance and/or a key must be equipped or held outside of inventory, depending on…
B3 ch. 24 — You have a dick.
B3 ch. 25 — You may not wield your weapons while in the presence of Admins. Any attempted violence against an Admin will…
B3 ch. 26 — You must use your left hand to activate the key.
B3 ch. 27 — This mob is suffering from the DTs. It is in stage three of three.
B3 ch. 27 — This message is from a deceased crawler.
B3 ch. 29 — You may not equip this item. The Rush ability is required to equip this item.
B3 ch. 33 — This is a deity. He is invulnerable on this floor.
B3 ch. 33 — this monster is a splitter. If killed, there is a chance one or more smaller versions will appear.

Book 4 — The Gate of the Feral Gods (23)

B4 ch. 1 — You may not enter this quadrant until your current quadrant’s castle is liberated.
B4 ch. 2 — holding this Extinction Sigil will cause lizard-class enemies to deal 20% more damage against you. Any Wall…
B4 ch. 2 — All gnomes targeted with this device are given a notice that they are being watched.
B4 ch. 3 — This is a lizard-class mob. It will inflict 20% more damage against you thanks to your Extinction Sigil.…
B4 ch. 8 — This pill will cause a permanent change to your brain. This item cannot be unequipped or undone once…
B4 ch. 8 — You do not have a Valtay Corporation Neural Interface installed. While your current wetware system is…
B4 ch. 9 — Once locked, you may not remove this designation.
B4 ch. 11 — It does not remove the one-minute healing block effect associated with the Jelly’s sting.
B4 ch. 13 — This item has a short shelf life.
B4 ch. 18 — Unlike a regular smoke curtain, the caster of this tossable is not immune to its effects. In other words,…
B4 ch. 22 — Your oxygen levels are low. In case you’re wondering, yes, you do need that stuff.
B4 ch. 24 — An item in your catalog is no longer eligible to be held in inventory. It will be forcibly removed in five…
B4 ch. 27 — Your oxygen levels are low. Plus you’re just sitting there being all boring and shit.
B4 ch. 27 — At this depth, your health will decrease by two percent per second.
B4 ch. 27 — This message is from a deceased crawler.
B4 ch. 28 — Upgrade patches are fleeting items. You may remove them, but they will be destroyed in the process.
B4 ch. 29 — This message is from a deceased crawler.
B4 ch. 29 — This message is from a deceased crawler.
B4 ch. 31 — This is a deity. He is invulnerable on this floor.
B4 ch. 32 — You do not have a cleric or paladin class. As such, you may not ascend past Devotee. See the Deity tab for…
B4 ch. 32 — Killing a god may have some unintended consequences for all crawlers.
B4 ch. 32 — You are out of ink.
B4 ch. 34 — All access to Safe Rooms is now closed.

Where they appear

Book	Chapters they are in (of the book's)	Where
1 — Dungeon Crawler Carl	15/48	2, 4, 8, 10–11, 27, 29–30, 36, 39–40, 43–44, 47–48 · the book's own page
2 — Carl's Doomsday Scenario	13/26	1–3, 6–8, 11, 14–15, 17, 21–22, 26 · the book's own page
3 — The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook	9/35	2–3, 5–6, 8, 14, 20, 27, 35 · the book's own page
4 — The Gate of the Feral Gods	16/35	2–3, 9, 13–14, 17, 19, 22, 24–28, 32, 34–35 · the book's own page

By book

The System AI in book 1 — Dungeon Crawler Carl

The AI is the book's other narrator. Its voice reads the item cards — the Bad Llama at the Circle K (ch. 8), goblin dynamite that ends with a shouted BOOM (ch. 10), a spell 'A great spell to have if you’re a club kid or trying to bang a vegan' (ch. 12) — and its achievements are a running verdict on Carl: Boss Babe, Bitchmeat, You Monster! with a reward that is twenty seconds of comfort and then 'It was also a lie' (ch. 19). Its interest in Carl's feet is text from ch. 5 and policy by ch. 30, when a Platinum Shoe Box yields a pedicure kit that only works barefoot.

Odette draws the line that matters (ch. 29): the AI runs the game and the loot is not random; it will give you what keeps the show interesting, which may be a belt that lets you take a crab's legs, or a stick of dynamite at the worst possible moment. Borant proposes; the AI disposes — it censures Zev for a warning (ch. 44), it groans when Ralph is smushed (ch. 46), and Carl half-suspects it of the Pork Boy Snick. It is the thing Carl addresses when he talks to ceilings.

The System AI in book 2 — Carl's Doomsday Scenario

Recommends Sasquatch, and Carl reads it as bait (ch. 2). Quotes Of Mice and Men as he is knocked out (ch. 8). Upgrades his boxers so he cannot wear trousers over them (ch. 13). Its descriptions on this floor are inaccurate, by Carl's count 'like the hundredth time in the last day' — Katia is 'human,' Miss Quill is an 'assistant' — and Carl notes that he cannot trust them (ch. 22). Mordecai, reading between the lines of Borant's newsletter, says it is making crawlers stronger to compensate for the short floors (ch. 21); it hands out 83 Celestial boxes and the Syndicate court upholds them until Borant burns its veto (epilogue). Carl's suspicion that it gave him the glass case on purpose (ch. 24).

The System AI in book 3 — The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook

Angry at Borant all floor: Cuck Aquaman! and coupons (ch. 2), a Pollyslog description that sneers at kua-tin (ch. 5), a mob it is 'pretty proud of' (ch. 16), story time about the Krakaren (ch. 27), a hat-hoarding achievement that recommends a shrink (ch. 25), odds of fifty to one that Borant appeals (epilogue). Mordecai: when the court overturns them, 'it tends to break something in their virtual minds' (ch. 2).

The System AI in book 4 — The Gate of the Feral Gods

Moods

The AI's voice is the floor's other narrator. It is giddy with Carl after the Iron Tangle — six achievements, a Legendary box, the 'touching-myself' voice for Smushed for Daddy (ch. 2) — and it freezes the world for a half-second 'Please Wait' while Carl reads a boss card — a timeout for duelling routines, Mordecai says; Carl asks whether it had to do with the Gate in the necropolis, and when the fight begins the card has changed (ch. 9). When every gerbil ball misses him it turns: 'Fuck you'; 'Bitch Boy Carl'; thousands of gerbils generated as a punishment; 'The acceleration action has been suspended. This time.' (ch. 13). Its quest text is a comedian's: 'Reward: Ha.'; 'Oh boy-oh-boy'; 'What kind of sick, sadistic fuckers are you?'; 'Oh, wait. They're all dead!' (ch. 7, ch. 15, ch. 29).

A co-defendant

It builds a goose fight where no damage is allowed and a lemonade that is only lemonade (ch. 16); it streams a boss fight to subscribers with live commentary (ch. 26); it is sued alongside Carl and wins seven times, rewarding him with a share of stock and a photograph of each plaintiff's mother (ch. 28); it puts a million-gold bounty on a puppy and then serves monkey soup when nobody collects (ch. 30, ch. 31). Mordecai: all Macro AIs go insane, 'going primal', and this one is doing it earlier than any he has seen (ch. 28); Dr. Hu's colleague fears it will kill the planet before the ninth floor (epilogue).